The Light Fantastic

I am not good at emotional moments. How did I react when my friend Chrissy skype-messaged me that she wanted to talk? With dread, a twenty second pause, and a “sure, come up whenever.”

“Whenever,” in this case, proved to be twenty seconds. In about forty seconds, Chrissy was sobbing on my bed.

“Why am I not good enough?” she asked, gazing up at me tearfully.

I am paraphrasing, of course. I doubt Chrissy has ever said that exact phrase before, to me or anyone other than herself. It barely matters that Chrissy’s original problem was that another of her friends had mentioned that she had seen Chrissy’s ex-boyfriend at some festival. The problem was that Chrissy’s ex-boyfriend had only a week ago informed her that he could see himself falling in love with another girl. Someone he had just met.

I never know what to say. Don’t base your self-worth on someone else’s perception of you? Impossible, illogical even, and a little too Oprah-esque. And she wasn’t “enough” for this relationship. Neither was he. It doesn’t mean that they are failures as humans.

Most of this, of course, I couldn’t say. I sat with her, I offered ice-cream, and I thought of the novel waiting for me on my desk. There was a metal ball in my stomach that the interaction couldn’t touch. That is what it feels like, like there is some sort of hard, cool element in me that I can’t make human enough to empathize with the emotions of others. Only sometimes, though.

I wish I could say this anecdote related to anything I could express simply. The girl at the table on graduation night would have handled it better. I can guarantee you all I will do better next time.

But, today I went to brunch. I had rolls, and cheese, and quark, and orange juice, and felt that metal ball soften, just a little. I sat with a friend, and I talked, and I still didn’t like the person who I was, but I repp’d that person, you know? I was a brunch-loving, cold-hearted me to the hilt, as they say.

I actually don’t know where they use that expression.


Did I mention I read The Light Fantastic? I liked it. I’ve liked all of Terry Pratchett’s novels thus far. Today, though, will hopefully be V-P Day (Victory over Plato day, of course). For all of you who have never read Terry Pratchett, I would suggest you do so.

I refuse however to leave some sot of over-punctuated order, oh, say, in the vein of ‘do itttttt!!!!!’ Far too much bother, and to be honest, you might not like Terry Pratchett. Tastes vary.

I am perfectly certain that, no matter how old I get, I will always love brunch.